Fear factor

My worst fear still is having another miscarriage. After learning another dear friend on one of my grief and loss message boards is losing her baby at 12 weeks, I realize lightning can strike twice. (In my case, three times...) The only words I can muster is, "It's not FAIR!"

I used to get so angry at girls/women who found themselves with unwanted pregnancies. There are good women all across the world -- at least three women I hold dear to my heart -- who cannot bear their own children. And they want to. Desperately. When I went through each of my losses, I felt like I saw pregnant ladies everywhere. I got mad. I didn't understand this anger. Why are they round and happy when I've lost three angel babies in nine months? It's just part of this cruel but necessary process of grieving.

Nobody should ever have to lose a baby, but it happens, and that just makes me relish in the fact this pregnancy is relatively easy. I say easy because I'm less worried about the things I cannot control. I can do all I can up to a point, as in eating right, not doing any heavy lifting, driving safe, getting enough rest. But the things that are out of my hands are exactly that. Out. Of. My. Hands.

So this morning, I cozied up with my rented Doppler again, not sure if I should send it back by the first of the month or keep it a little longer. As I pressed the wand a few inches below my belly button, there it was. My little baby's heart beat chugging along, sounding anywhere between a galloping horse, to a light "thump, thump, thump". My sister-in-law described it as sounding like shaking a piece of sheet metal (she's right!). I've described it as a "swoosh/swish" noise. Just as I steadied the wand in place, the heartbeat grew stronger and louder, then it waned. Then I heard a noise -- the baby doing a flip or a turn? -- I guess I won't know. But s/he was moving around in there, dodging the wand then cozying right up next to it, as if to say, "Look, Ma, I can swim and do somersaults and move around all I want to in here."

It made me smile. It also made me be thankful for what I've got here. This miracle of pregnancy never ceases to amaze me.