Cafe preggers

I read this in a Baby Talk magazine last year when I was pregnant, but it's all starting to make sense to me now. And for those of you thinking it's a bit exaggerated, let me assure you it's not. (I'm slowly realizing there's not enough room in there for dessert all the time!)

Cafe Preggers
First Trimester Menu
Appetizer
Tums compote
Entree
Fresh saltines on a bed of saltines, lightly seasoned with saltines
Beverage
Ginger ale (IV drip available upon request)
Dessert
10 minutes in a dim room with an ice bag on your head

Second Trimester Menu
Appetizer
Half a roast chicken, extra crispy
Entree*
A succulent leg of lamb smothered in pork chops, served with BBQ ribs and garnished with cheeseburgers (all burnt beyond recognition for your safety)
Beverage
Toll House pie smoothie, prepared with 1/2 pint heavy cream
Dessert
9-by-16-inch pan of double-fudge brownies

Third Trimester Menu
(Each course followed by 15-minute neck massage and/or bathroom break)
Appetizer
Three bites of tossed salad
Entree
Two bites of lasagna
Beverage
None, so you'll have room for dessert
Dessert
A Tic Tac

* Double portions available if you're expecting twins